| I think the first sentences need
work and other parts too but i was
just mainly wondering if i have a
good idea so far....even though
maybe no one knows what the story
is...=(
be honest plz (i don't care if
you say "this is stupid! you
should never become a
writer!!" i really don't
care if you say something like
that. yea...it's 4 1/2 pages
long
moving rock. shaking ground.
someone was moving the earth.
tyran woke up from his sleep. he
didn't know what time of day
it was, but new that it was early.
his sister was doing her daily
training. tyran had always hated
her training. everyday it woke him
up feeling exhausted since he
stayed up all night at the lake.
he stood up quickly and felt light
headed. he sat back down and looked
at his hands. they were full of
blisters and deep cuts. they stung
like cactus needles piercing his
flesh. most of them were infected
and starting to turn purple. they
had run out of their medicine
supply because of the war against
the infernian's. he wished
that he didn't skip most of
his classes because he
would've learned how to heal
himself easily. he just didn't
want to be right next to the
classroom with edgar and his gang.
though, three days ago he saw
cailin bullying a little kid. he
told a teacher and she got sent to
the caves.
that night when he was walking
home from the lake, he got in a
fight with edgar and his gang. they
surrounded him and decided to
"give him a lesson" to
not mess with his gang, especially
his girlfriend. edgar and his gang
popped up from the bushes and
circled around him. they pushed him
around and cut his hands so he
wouldn't try to protect
himself. bail and clark held him
still while edgar slowly burned
both of tyran's hands. it was
agony for him. the fire melted his
hands and closed up the cuts so
they didn't bleed anymore. he
wanted to pull away. he wanted to
shout out for help, but clark was
covering his mouth. he wanted to
protect himself, but he wasn't
near any water and his hands were
weak with pain. all he could do was
just wait until they stopped.
they got bored so they cut his
hands again and left. tyran fell to
the ground clutching his hands. his
hands were stinging and he
couldn't move them. he was
shaking of fear and tears were
forming in his eyes.
he crouched into a ball and lied
there for a while. he couldn't
think since he was in shock.
wondering why they did that in the
first place.
finally, he got up and slowly
walked towards his house. he
couldn't see anything,
everything was a blur to him.
taking little steps at a time, he
tried to make out what happened
earlier that day. wait, he thought.
'was that all because i sent
cailin to the caves?' he
laughed at himself, a little
hysteria forming in him.
"all of that just because of
the caves? all they do is just talk
about the awful things that you do
in your life. man, that edgar, you
freak out too much." he kept
talking to himself until he was
almost on the verge of yelling. his
sister came looking for him and
wouldn't stop talking. he was
bugged by her and shouted at her.
that's all he remembered. his
sister wouldn’t talk to him for a
while until he apologized nonstop.
that was supposed to be a great
night. it was almost a full moon
and he couldn't wait. he
thought that maybe he could just
get a little revenge for burning
his hands, but then they'll
just do it again. maybe worse than
that night.
he got up and went out the front
door. the sun was still behind the
mountains. the nice cool air sent
his dark long hair flying. the
crickets were still making their
sounds and morning birds whistled
in their nests. it was starting to
become autumn and the green leaves
were turning orange. the scent of
the trees and the cool air was
soothing for him. he loved it when
it was still dark.
he looked at his sister. her long
auburn hair flying in the direction
of the wind. her hand was held up
facing him. tyran looked up and a
huge piece of rock was floating
over his head a few feet away. he
sighed and rolled his eyes at
kezia. she smiled and moved her arm
to the side. the huge piece of rock
followed her movement. she lowered
her arm slowly and the rock did the
same until it touched the ground.
"did i wake you?" she
said smiling.
"well, i think that anyone
can wake up when it feels like an
earthquake is coming."
"you over exaggerate."
"sure i do."
"how are your hands?"
"they're fine," he
said. "wait, how-"
"while you were sleeping you
let one of your arms fall to the
side of the bed."
"oh."
"so what happened?" she
said staring at him with one of her
"if you don't tell me,
i'll force it out of you"
stares.
"just an accident," he
said casually.
"just an accident? then why
are your hand so shiny and full of
cuts? obviously you can't play
with fire, so someone burned you
and cut you. did you do something
to edgar and his gang?" now
she was glaring at him.
"i-i just sent cailin to the
caves because she was bullying a
kid," he looked down and
stared at his feet. he didn't
want to look at kezia.
"that's it? oh man,
i'm going to kill him!
he's so immature!" she
started to walk in circles and kept
on muttering to herself.
"don't do anything okay?
i think i might just get back at
him for doing that on the day of
the full moon."
"what?" she said looking
at him "i don't think you
should do that tyran. i mean,
you'll be stronger and all,
but they'll just get back at
you."
"well, they might get back at
you if you do something."
"yeah, i know, but
you're my brother."
" c'mon! it's only
a few blisters and cuts. you
don't need to kill them for
that."
she looked at him with her worried
eyes, "i guess. though,
i'll do something to them if
you're they're play toy
again!"
"okay, okay!" he
smiled.
"so are you going to
practice?"
"sure, maybe when i'm
done we can spar!"
"haha, you won't be able
to beat me!"
"think again!"
tyran lifted his arm dramatically
to the side and water from a bucket
raised. he turned around in a
circle and thrusted his arms out
toward his sister. the water
instantly shot over to his sister
turning into ice. she reacted and
lifted both of her arms up to her
face. part of the ground ripped out
in front of her and the ice hit the
flying rock and shattered.
"i thought you were going to
practice!" she shouted from
behind the rock.
"i changed my mind!" he
said and got some more water. this
time he let the water fly to his
right hand and the part he grabbed
onto turned into ice. he used the
water as a whip and whipped it over
to his sisters legs. he jolted his
arm up and the water flew into the
air along with his sister. he froze
the water and his sister was
hanging in the air with her feet
frozen to the water.
"man you're heavy!"
tyran shouted trying to keep her in
the air.
she glared at him and hung her arms
down. she threw her arms hands to
her stomach and a few small pieces
of rock flew towards the ice and it
shattered. she fell to the ground
and stood up.
"you really shouldn't
call a lady heavy."
tyran smiled.
she gathered herself some small
rocks in front of her and reshaped
them into spike-like shapes. they
automatically flew towards him and
he quickly re-gathered the ice
shards to form a wall. the spikes
ran into the wall and stuck there.
then without realizing it, there
were three spikes right next to his
neck. he melted the water and
sighed.
"okay, you win! i give
up."
she smiled and relaxed her arm.
the three spikes fell to the ground
with the others.
"so do you still think you
can beat me, even when i beat you
over 50 times?"
"well i'm getting
better. aren't i?"
"yup," she walking over
to him and held out her hand.
"good fight."
"it was short though,"
then he held out his hand and
grabbed it. he pulled her towards
him and hugged her. while he was
doing that, he got some water and
pulled it to his hand. it turned it
into ice. then he turned her around
into a headlock. he put the sharp
ice to her neck.
"now i win," he smiled.
"think again."
he looked down and at least six
spikes were circling around his
neck.
"okay, fine! this time you
win!" he said.
"i always win no matter
what." she turned and smiled
at him. her blue eyes shining in
the rising sun.
"want breakfast?" she
said.
“sure.”
kezia walked into the house. tyran
looked at the mess that they made.
he sighed and turned around to go
inside. when he took a step
something poked him on the
shoulder. he turned around and
nothing was there.
“anyone there? “ he shouted?
nothing.
he turned around facing the door
and took a small step. something
poked him again and he quickly
turned around to grab what poked
him. it was one of the spikes that
kezia made. she was in the house so
she couldn’t have moved it.
he lifted his head in annoyance
and said, “where are you hiding
jane?”
he turned around and jumped back
in surprise. jane was standing
behind him, her face about an inch
from his head.
“hi tyran! did you miss me?”
she looked at him with her bright
green eyes.
he closed his eyes, still annoyed.
“who would miss you?”
“that’s rude of you to say!”
she lifted her hand and slapped him
across his face. “and don’t you
go closing your eyes on me!” she
slapped him again.
“what was that for?” tyran
shouted. his face burning on the
spot she slapped him.
“you hurt my feelings. you
deserve to get beat up if you
insult me!”
“like you even can beat me up,”
he turned around and walked towards
the house.
“when can you learn some manners
towards women?” she ran over and
jumped on him. her arms locked
around his neck choking him.
“let...go of...me!” he said
trying to breathe.
“not until you say sorry!”
he stopped struggling and moved his
hand toward the leftover water. he
lifted his arm and the water
raised. he closed his hand and
moved it to touch jane’s arms.
the water followed and circled
around her arms.
“what are you doing?” she
shouted.
he loosened her grip and then
turned around and to face her. then
he -even though he didn’t want
to- moved his face towards her and
kissed her. as she was just staring
at him in shock, he forced her to
turn around and grabbed her arms to
her back. he got the water and
froze it on her arms so she
couldn’t move.
“hey, what did you do that
for?” she said struggling to free
her arms.
“you are my prisoner from now on!
you have to do what i say, when i
say.”
“i’ll never do that!” she
started to thrash around until she
tripped and landed her face.
“ow...”
“hey, are you okay?”
no answer.
“i think you killed her.”
tyran turned around and kezia was
leaning against the door, her arms
folded.
“well, then that’s one annoying
life gone!” tyran said, acting
proud.
“bring her in and have her lay on
my bed until she wakes up.”
“okay ma’am,” he bowed and
turned over to the unconscious
body.
he unfroze the water and put it in
a bucket. he grabbed onto jane and
picked her up.
man, she’s light! he thought. she
was always overly skinny even
though she ate a lot. she also
liked her light brown hair short.
he smiled, such an annoying small
girl.
he walked in the house and set her
down on kezia’s bed.
“breakfast is almost ready.”
“okay.”
“so what happened? all i saw is
that she was jumping around with
her arms frozen to her back.”
“she was bothering me. that’s
it.”
“that’s no excuse.”
“it’s true,” he shrugged not
caring about what happened.
“well, it ended up with her
unconscious.”
“well she’s still breathing, so
i didn’t kill her.”
“still, don’t do it again,”
she looked over at jane and
frowned. “what did you do?”
i just froze her arms and legs to
the bed. as soon as she wakes up,
she’ll obviously try to do
something to me.”
“don’t you think that she’ll
freeze to death on her arms and
legs?” she said worried.
“i wrapped the blankets around
there so she wouldn’t.”
“oh, okay.”
tyran looked at kezia, “are you
alright? you don’t seem well.”
“what,” she said distractedly.
“oh, i’m just thinking.”
“did something happen?”
“n-no, nothing happened.”
he looked at her suspiciously.
“hey tyran? how could you control
the water when your hands are still
hurt?”
“what? probably because i
wasn’t thinking about my hands. i
was focused on other things.
that’s probably why.”
“that makes sense.”
tyran kept on looking at her.
something did happen. she didn’t
want to tell him though. he won’t
force it out though.
“uhh....my head...it hurts...”
tyran looked over at jane and she
turned her head to face them.
“why, can’t i move?”
“i froze you to the bed. i
thought that maybe you would try to
get back at me. so i protected
myself by freezing you to the bed!
how smart am i?” tyran said in a
sarcastic voice.
“why you! ow...my head hurts! as
soon as i feel better, i’ll beat
you down until you can’t
move!”
“just get some sleep until you
feel better, okay jane?” kezia
said calmly.
“how can i? he hurt me!
he..he...” she drifted off.
“i?”
“you stole my first kiss! how
could you?” she shouted.
kezia looked at him,
“you...kissed her?”
“it was only a distraction.”
that's how far i am. so what
did you think?
Its not...terrible. Just not too well thought out. I think it's a pretty good plot, if it werent for the fact that i keep seeing Aang, Katara, Sokka and Toph from Avatar when i picutre your characters. This seems very Avatar-ish.
And you need to deelop your characters a little better. Don't just rattle off random first names. Go into detail, first and last names, body structre, wether they're kinda smart, what they look like, etc.
And explain the bonds between your characters. Who's Edgar's right-hand man? Are there any recent 'recruits'? how close are Tyan and his siter? Who's Jane to the two of them? Is she a close family friend? What does she look like? Where are they?! How old are they?! Where are their parents?! What exactly are 'The Caves'?
Details, details, details. All extremely important. Don't overplay them, but don't leave them out totally either.
And try using spell check. It'll help immensely.
Good luck! And great start!
♥Graceful Little Alice♥ |
Advertisement 
0 
In 
