| i stood in the in the middle of a
never ending valley of rolling
hills and lush green grass filled
with flowers varying from lilies
to violets and the sleeping tulips
to the delicate forget-me-nots; all
unmarked with blemishes of
imperfection. i inhaled the sweet
smell of the late night, a cool
breeze delicately caressing my face
running tapered fingers throughout
my gentle, golden brown curls. i
respired a raptured sigh, gazing up
into the eternal sky. the
blackness was speckled with bright
copper colored stars, and the moon,
shining with radiant white light
that graced everything with a milky
pallor, was full. nature at its
highest peak.
every muscle of my body relaxed
as my eyes flickered closed from
the complete bliss my picturesque
surroundings gave me. the universe
never felt closer to me. everything
was just perfect.
as i stared through
half-lidded eyes up at the glorious
moon in all her splendor, something
happened that i hadn’t expected.
on the moon was a flame. it was
small, but a flame nonetheless, at
first i was not phased by this
flame. it was only until it grew
that i began to feel nervous. the
orange, feathery flame spread,
eating away at the pristine,
whiteness of the moon, and leaving
behind a trail of black, ashy,
singe. i began to grow angry at
the flame, though flame was not the
word to use, for now it was more
like a raging inferno taking
vengeance on the moon. clenched
fists and stiff jaw, i shouted in
my biggest voice.
“stop!” brave words coming
from my mouth, but tears streamed
from my eyes as i continued to
scream in desperation. “stop,
stop!” i collapsed to the earth
beneath me, my frame shaking with
sobs. i could not bear to see the
moon like this anymore.
something rubbed against my
shin. startled, for i thought i was
alone, my head swiftly twisted to
see who was there. it was a small,
slender black cat. meow, it mewed
softly, his crystal blue eyes bore
though me, and somehow gave me a
little comfort. i smiled through
red, puffy eyes, as i gently rubbed
the top of his head. he purred in
approval.
i hesitantly looked back at the
moon, still engulfed the fiery
fury. i choked back a sob.
unexpected pain seared through my
hand. crying out in pain, i looked
down and saw that the cat had its
sharp, fang-like teeth sunk deep
into my hand. shocked, i viciously
kicked the cat away and quickly got
to my feet. i held my hand close to
my chest and stared wide-eyed at
the cat. the cat took on a
defensive posture, crouched with
his ears back and teeth bared
threateningly. he hissed, his hiss
sounding more like a scream rather
than a noise a cat could make.
from above me, i heard i loud
bang followed by ear-piercing
whooshes. my head whipped up and
my eyes widened in horror. the
stars had gone from beautiful
diamonds in the sky to flaming fire
balls hurling right towards me. i
screamed. and that’s how it
ends.
that’s how it always ends.
i’ve had a lot of weird dreams,
but this one most definitely takes
the cake. i really wonder what its
supposed to mean, you know? it’s
the strongest recurring dream
i’ve ever had. i’m no expert
or anything, but i’ve heard that
dreams that happen more than once
are supposed to correspond with
current or future situations.
what’s that supposed to mean?
i’m definitely not being chased
by a flaming inferno of a moon and
its loyal star henchies at the
moment. so, does this mean that i
will be chased by a flaming inferno
of a moon and its loyal star
henchies? sweet!
this is a very rough beginning,
there's probably spelling
errors and all, but please tell me
what you think of this!
i'm 14, by the way
It definitely needs some work, but I really like the idea and hope you keep up the great work! With a little editing it'll be amazing.
First things first - your beginning three sentences all started with "I", and that bothered me. I'm sure some readers wouldn't be phased, but I noticed it immediately and think that, if possible, you should change it. Instead of "I inhaled the sweet smell..." you could always say "A sweet smell filled the air...". Just minor changes to ensure that those sentences don't all start with the same word. It's not very noticeable, considering your sentences are quite long, but imagine something like this: "I walked to the store. I stopped outside to take a long drink of water. I then continued on my way." I don't know about you, but personally I think it gets a little repetitive.
Next, as I mentioned above, is the length of some of your sentences. Long sentences aren't necessarily a bad thing, if done right. But when they get to be run-on, or just plain too long, it's time to add a period in there somewhere. For example:
"I stood in the in the middle of a never ending valley of rolling hills and lush green grass filled with flowers varying from lilies to violets and the sleeping tulips to the delicate forget-me-nots; all unmarked with blemishes of imperfection."
You can change this to two - even three! - sentences with great results and a better flow of words. You don't even have to change the wording, if you really like it! All you have to do is add in a few periods here, a couple capitols there, and voila! Instant gratification. Watch this:
"I stood in the in the middle of a never ending valley of rolling hills and lush green grass, filled with flowers varying from lilies to violets and the sleeping tulips to the delicate forget-me-nots. All were unmarked with blemishes of imperfection."
All I did was add a period, one word, and a capitol. I barely changed anything, yet already it's beginning to flow better. I'm not saying that's the perfect edit (see suggestions below) but it fixes it up a little. The same can be done for the next few sentences as well:
"I inhaled the sweet smell of the late night, a cool breeze delicately caressing my face. Its tapered fingers ran throughout my gentle, golden brown curls."
It's really not that difficult to do.
There's also the problem you've got here of adjectives. Sometimes, using a lot of adjectives can be nice. Others, it's just downright annoying. Rarely used adjectives can also be interesting to read, as long as they aren't used over and over or to the extent that the reader questions whether or not the author actually knows these words or is just browsing through their nearby thesaurus. Simple, one-adjective descriptions can be beautiful too, and a lot of the times are better than long, windy ones. Example:
"The orange, feathery flame spread, eating away at the pristine, whiteness of the moon, and leaving behind a trail of black, ashy, singe."
This could be changed to:
"The feathery flame spread, eating away at the pristine whiteness of the moon, and leaving a trail of ashy singe behind it." This is a bit less of a mouthful than what it was before.
I don't mean to pick on your first sentence, but it is quite pick-worthy, so:
"I stood in the in the middle of a never ending valley of rolling hills and lush green grass filled with flowers varying from lilies to violets and the sleeping tulips to the delicate forget-me-nots; all unmarked with blemishes of imperfection."
Could become: "I stood in the middle of a never-ending valley filled with flowers varying from lilies to violets, and the sleeping tulips to the delicate forget-me-nots."
I took out the "rolling hills and lush green grass" because that, combined with the "never ending valley" is just a bit too much description for one sentence. Change it up however you want, though. There are lots of places you can do this, but others where your description are great.
There really aren't a lot of spelling errors, however there are a few grammatical ones. These could just be oversights on your part - I know how many grammatical errors I make when writing that aren't apparent at first, but stick out plain as day when I do a read-through. As you said, it's a very rough beginning, so I won't mention a whole lot of them. You'll most likely be able to find them on your own. For example: "Meow, it mewed softly, his crystal blue eyes bore though me, and somehow gave me a little comfort" would make more sense if it read "Meow, it mewed softly. His crystal blue eyes bore through me, and somehow I felt a little bit of comfort." You can change it without changing so many words, of course, but I just couldn't really think how to at the moment.
As well, this: "It was small, but a flame nonetheless, at first I was not phased by this flame" should probably be "It was small, but a flame nonetheless, and at first I was not phased by it." As I said before, you'll probably catch all these as you edit
If I was going to put together all the tips I gave you and completely edit a sentence, it would be something like this:
"I stood in the in the middle of a never ending valley of rolling hills and lush green grass filled with flowers varying from lilies to violets and the sleeping tulips to the delicate forget-me-nots; all unmarked with blemishes of imperfection."
Changed to:
"I stood in the middle of a never-ending valley. The cool, green grass was filled with all sorts of flowers - lilies to violets, the sleeping tulips to the delicate forget-me-nots. All were unmarked by blemishes of imperfection."
That's just a quick edit. You can do so much better if you take a lot of time on it, I'm sure.
Your last paragraph - where the main character is awake - was really good. I liked it a lot. On the second-to-last sentence I would add "in the future" at the end, but of course you don't have to. Also just a suggestion for the whole dream part - it might be cool if you make it present tense, as opposed to past tense. Whatever you're feeling, though.
All-in-all, I have to say you're a lot better at writing than most of the people I see on here. Keep up the great work and you'll go far.
I'm 15, by the way. |
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