| It started at the beginning of the
year. i work as a civilian
employee at a police department and
one night, i overheard one of my
colleagues asking for help with his
personal computer. after telling
him that i'd be glad to help
him, he agreed with much
excitement. after helping him with
computer, nearly a month later, we
started to talk and email more and
more. though, most of the time it
was one way emails.
over the months, others thought we
were really good buds. the only
thing was that i wanted to be his
friend and hang out with him. of
course, that never happened. then
i left to australia for vacation a
couple months after this. the
problem was that before i left, i
went on what is called a ride-along
in case i would get attacked by a
kangaroo and die. i asked if he
would take me and he happily
obliged. that's when i began
to see past all the stereotypes
officers usually perceive to the
public. after that night, i
haven't stopped thinking about
him. after i returned from
australia, my mentality has not
been the same. i constantly
thought about him.
then one long graveyard shift
later, i wrote an email to my
sister, who was at the time in
london for university. in that
email, i told her about this guy
that i really like. i said so many
"wonderful" things about
him. oh, by the way, i'm gay,
if you haven't figured that
part out. thankfully my family
doesn't have a problem with
it. anyway, when i arrived home,
later that morning, i emailed the
guy, who i had fallen in love with,
a question regarding his computer.
i wanted to buy it from him. that
is when i noticed i sent the email
that was to my sister to him. i
freaked out. at that moment, i
wanted to die! that morning, i
could not sleep.
later that evening, after finally
getting a few hours of shut eye, i
headed back to work. thankfully, i
sat towards the back of the office.
i tried so hard to avoid him. i
later saw him and he confronted me.
to my surprise, he was totally
fine. he said he didn't care
that i was gay. he then left for
home. things were looking up!
then a couple months past and
things got worse between us. my
feelings for him grew stronger and
stronger. finally one night, i
wrote another email telling him how
i really felt about him. i told
him point blank that i had fallen
in love with him. o i
couldn't stop thinking about
him and a weight has been lifted,
etc. after receiving a reply that
we should keep our
"relationship"
professional only. i then began to
notice his mood began to change
dramatically. after a few weeks of
trying to literally ignore him as
much as possible, he finally change
to the way he use to be, somewhat
after i sent him another email that
he won't hear from me again.
at that point, i fell into this
"great depression."
i am currently still in this great
depression. i've told him
over the past couple months that
i'd be willing to leave the
department and move somewhere else.
the other problem is that my
mother also works there for the
chief. she has no clue what is
going on. she won't let me
leave. now, i think about this guy
day and night. i finally told one
of my colleagues my problem and
they are supportive as we both talk
about our problematic love lives.
this guy is married no children,
yet. but there was one point that
he acted really weird after
everything for me was going to
hell. i truly felt at one point
that he was questioning his
sexuality for at least two weeks.
i seriously thought he'd come
over to, what i call the dark side.
i asked another officer about him,
in general, and i was told he was
"trying to find himself."
what the hell does that mean?
(rhetorical question.)
now, i believe he hates my guts
that he wishes i was under a truck
or something. i don't blame
him for feeling this way. i
believe i've ruined his life
beyond belief. we rarely
communicate to each other and
i'm beside myself. i just
want to be friends, but i've
screwed everything up! i love him
so much, i just want to hold him.
lately, i've been wanting to
impale him with a stapler or
clipboard, but i do it out of spite
and love, really. i now go into
work, hoping he's not there,
which is a fat lie. i pretend that
i hate his guts and rarely help him
with anything. i do it really to
annoy him. i only hope it's
working.
in the end, even if he hates me as
much as i think he does, i always,
without his knowing, do as much as
i possibly can, well, job wise.
make him look better than the rest.
i most likely probably will until
i decide to leave that place.
i don't know why, but i just
want him to like me. i guess
that's really stupid, but he
means the world to me. i
can't let go of him so easily.
not without a fight.
please, any help or advise whether
i like it or not.
"Professional level..."
This is confusing, convoluted, and melodramatic.
First of all, why did you allow yourself to "fall in love" with a heterosexual? There's an old saying, dear -- "Never bark up the wrong tree." The reason is because the person is never attainable -- they're straight! All you end up doing is frustrating yourself, embarrassing yourself, and making the straight guy uncomfortable and/or irritated.
Becoming infatuated with someone does NOT mean you need to act on your feelings. Indeed, in a situation like this, you should fight the feelings. Hopefully you will have learned from this experience and will be more inclined to get a grip on yourself.
Secondly, how on earth did you misdirect the e-mail intended for your sister? Don't you normally select the recipient first and then compose the e-mail? Regardless, the MOMENT you discovered the mistake, you should have sent him a follow-up e-mail to explain the situation. Waiting for him to confront you was, frankly, a kind of cowardly thing to do -- it is always best to take responsibility for mistakes immediately, rather than sheepishly avoid the truth.
Third, why are you now manifesting fantasies about harming him with staplers? And why do you say that these thoughts are intended lovingly? You then say that you don't want to let him go "without a fight" -- um, he has never been yours to begin with dear.
I mean no rudeness, but you need to grow up and stop behaving so erratically and melodramatically. Granted, you're only 21 years old, but you should have some semblance of self-restraint and/or self-control by now. And for what it's worth, your long posting was riddled with trite cliché sayings, giving the impression that you're not terribly grounded.
Since you asked for advice, here's mine. Send him a final e-mail [make it brief] apologizing for this whole chain of events, and tell him you greatly regret making him feel awkward. Stress that you've learned from this experience, and that you're committed to resuming working with him on a pleasant, professional level.
And then make good on your pledge. Be a man and nip your ill-advised feelings of love in the bud, and do what it takes to interact with him as you did before you let your little crush to get far out of hand.
And finally, some age-old wisdom -- never EVER pursue romance with a co-worker [this is applicable to all people regardless of sexual orientations]. The reason is because, if the romance turns sour, the two people are still stuck being at work together -- resulting in a lot of tension. It's the reason why a lot of companies formally forbid office love affairs between employees. |
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