My spouse and i have been together
for over 8 yrs, and i recently
discovered he was cheating. i am
not sure what to do to cope
emotionally.
last year we relocated for his job
and it was kinda difficult. we
decided to buy a house (our first)
in the area we previously lived in
so that his job would move him
back. because of this i am looking
for a new job and he is paying the
bills 4 a house he only lives in
part time, because he is still
waiting for a transfer and is
commuting.
we spent the entire first month in
our new house fighting (which is
when this happened) iam not telling
people this to justify his actions,
because it is not ok. iam trying to
think through the process...what
happened
i found evidence of the affair
(ladies u know when something is
not right, which i did) a week
after he was physical with her. he
was away that week at work and i
knew it when he came home. he told
me everything. he was talking to
her for almost 2 months before
"it" happened.
the major problem i am having is
this: he never dated anyone before
we were together and this behaviour
is completley unlike him b/c he is
a very soft hearted person.
unbelievable as that may sound, if
i told people he had done this they
would be shocked. the month he was
talking to her he was a monster, i
didn't even know who this
person was, which is why i knew
something was not right. he hid in
the basement and was cold and
angry. for 2 weeks after i found
out he seemed like he was fighting
himself, like he wanted to be here
but was ashamed or something. i
went with him to work 1 week to
sort things out and he was distant
i ccame back home alone. 2 days
later he was back here, as the
person i knew him as.
since, he has been trying
everything to "fix" this.
he gave me a number to call a
therapist who he has already gone
with me to talk to. he voluntarily
gave me the cell phone bill from
last month to show me he is not
calling her. he leaves his phone
out. like he used to before this.
every time he has to go back to
work, he has asked me to go with
him or he has requested a vacation
day to stay home.
i am having a hard time forgetting
about his betrayal and think i
might not be able to do this. how
do you push it out of your mind,
how long does it take (i found out
just under 2 months ago) i
can't sleep without dreaming
about it, and think about what he
did with her and what he does with
me...i always thought i would just
walk out the door if this ever
happened.
the other reason this is still so
stuck in my mind is that after he
told her it was done, she got
angry. she has sent him nasty
emails at work and has started
sending me 1 line messages through
a website i use. i do not need
this. he said if it happened
anymore he would sent it to her
boss b/c she was doing it from
work. i cannot understand why she
is, b/c she is married with kids. i
look at the emails she sent him and
see that she has 2 other men
besides my spouse whom she is
currrently cheating on her husband
with, both of them are also
married. she wrote things about how
funny it would be if she showed up
here or left marks on him so he
couldn't go home...i believe
her sole purpose in this was not
because she cared about these men,
or ``it just happened`` but to
"take" them from someone
else.
i am hoping to get an opinion from
someone who has been the one who
had the affair and you were in the
same boat as my spouse. are you
ever sorry that you did it....i
want anyone is about to have an
affair think about how you are
going to destroy your spouse
emotionally because you didn't
have the courage to leave them or
try to fix your situation
I know this isn't what you want to hear,
but I tell clients that it generally takes between 2-5 years for a marriage to recover after infidelity.
And that is IF,
and only if,
both partners are 100% open,
honest,
willing,
and sacrificing in order to work on the marriage.
It takes a lot of hard work.
The two of you need to be in regular couples counseling with an infidelity couples counselor in order to deal with this.
No exceptions.
This is a serious thing he did,
and you need to handle it as such.
It's not a fix it yourself scenario,
although many people treat it like it is.
Then later they realize that the problem hasn't been fixed at all,
and the same behavior repeats again.
Anyway it's not something you can put out of your mind or what you will forget.
It's something that will cause you to trigger regularly for a long time.
If you hear a name,
see a place,
hear something that reminds you of it,
etc.
your mind will automatically go there.
You won't trust him for a long time.
He will need to commit to being 100% transparent,
meaning he will tell you what he's doing,
where he's at,
who he's with,
etc.
At this point,
there is no trust.
He broke it,
and it takes time to be rebuilt.
All of this is just a step in rebuilding it.
As for the other woman,
you need to tell her husband.
Why?
For one,
because he deserves to know.
For another,
because he can do his part on his end to prevent her from contacting the two of you.
Right now she's rampant because she hasn't been caught.
Expose the affair to her husband,
and he'll keep her in check.
Then your husband needs to send a formal no contact letter.
In it,
he should very clearly state that the relationship is over,
there is to be no contact from her,
if there is he will contact the police for harassment,
and that he loves you and is staying with you.
If she ignores it,
then go to the police for harassment.
He also might want to put in there that he will go to her boss if she continues.
This woman obviously needs a clear sign from him that it's over.
If he refuses to do this,
it's a sign that he shouldn't be trusted again.
Regardless,
don't focus on her.
There are always tramps out there willing to be a mistress.
If it weren't her,
it could have easily been someone else.
Focus on your husband and rebuilding the trust between him.
But a word of caution:
it is a long,
hard,
painful road to recover after infidelity.
It's not impossible,
but you have to ask yourself if you're really committed to 2-5 years of this pain.
Be honest with yourself.
Is it worth it?
Is he worth it?
Can you ever look at him the same way again?
Can you ever trust him again?
Etc.
It's a slow process,
but ask yourself if you're prepared for it before you even begin.
In my opinion,
my perspective is this.
The least you can do is try.
It's your marriage,
and it's worth a second shot.
The worst that will happen is he'll cheat again,
or you won't be able to forgive,
or it won't work for some reason.
And,
yes,
this does happen.
But at least you'll come out knowing that you did everything you could do make it work between the two of you.
Either you divorce now,
and give your marriage no chance to work out,
or give it a try,
knowing that there is still the possibility of divorce.
The outcome is the same either way,
and I respect women who are strong enough to risk getting hurt again for the sake of putting their 100% all into the marriage.
Many disagree,
but oh well.
Just decide what's right for you,
and handle it accordingly.
See an infidelity couples counselor immediately.
In the meantime,
visit
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com It's a great resource,
and you'll find others who are in similar situations on that website.
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