| Hello all,
i never thought in a million years
i would be put in this awful,
terrible situation & it's
not like i'm a young, teenage
mother, i'm in my
mid-30's waited forever to
meet the right man because i put my
career first, etc.
anyway, my fiance went on a
supposed business trip 3 weeks ago,
the weekend of july 26th...the week
prior he was sweet to me, being a
good father, good partner, etc. but
then the night before he picked a
fight with me over something very
petty, it raised red flags, i
didn't know why all of a
sudden he was agitated but he said
he had to pack soon for his trip,
he needed to go, he didn't
have time b/c he always had to take
care of our baby. i work 40 plus
hours a week struggling &
supporting my entire family, esp
here in the san francisco bay area
-- which in this economy is even a
more expensive place to live...he
on the other hand is a professional
musician, who's work is
understandably not as steady, so we
came upon the agreement that he
would watch her during the day
while i worked & saved up to
get some decent daycare or at least
a reliable baby sitter, that was at
least the plan & i only
returned to work like in late
march, so technically, he had only
been with her for 4 months while i
had almost taken 6 months of leave
-- i have very good benefits b/c i
have a government job)...anyway, he
was itching to "get back into
being a real musician" so he
got word that he could get some
good work in vegas through an
industry friend...he planned a trip
out there to meet up with his music
connection to talk business &
on the trip...but, devastatingly
& sadly, i found out via
myspace emails (he accidently left
on our shared computer while he was
in a rush to go to vegas -- it
didn't really shut down all
the way) again that july 26th
weekend, that he was really going
back there to see some random 25
year old woman he met who actually
lives with his friend's
brother -- he had just met her b/c
his first trip was july 4th weekend
-- he told me he had to meet all
these people & was too busy
even to bother going out, etc. etc.
(i feel so stupid now for believing
all his lies but he had made me
feel guilty saying that i & the
baby were suffocating him, he
needed to go out and "tour
again"...anyway, he said he
felt stifled b/c we needed him to
take care of us & be there for
us -- which i don't understand
b/c when you have a kid i thought
it was just automatic that you knew
already that you just do not come
first -- the baby does b/c she
needs us & is so helpless) ...
it' s just all so
sordid...also, basically, he also
took my atm card on this trip too
b/c he had lost his (from our
joint account) & so, i gave it
to him just in case he needed cash.
i in the meantime, i had my
baby's 9 month old check-up
the next day & b/c i work all
the time, i didn't get a
chance to get extra cash out of the
bank (again, he had my atm card for
supposedly getting groceries for
the house, doing errands, while
i'm at work, getting gas, etc.
) i told him i just needed some
cash for the pediatrician visit
co-pay, also, just in case if
needed money for the weekend, etc.
but he just yelled at me saying,
why am i so helpless all the time,
etc. when this is a joint account
we share & also, he was the one
who lost the atm card, so now it
was my fault i couldn't get
money out of our account? he told
me just to walk into the bank in
the morning instead & get some
money out even though i told him my
dr.'s appt. is early in the
morning...*sigh*...completely
awful, jerky behavior, i know...
anyway, to make this long story
short...this man, this man that i
supported for almost over 2 and
half years, who made me feel guilty
for even taking like $20 for the
week, so i can get to work on
public transportation & then i
would also just eat cup o'
soup all the time for lunch...this
man i put on my health plan, this
man who i let handle my money so he
didn't feel like he was
worthless & less of a provider,
this man who takes care of a little
baby, this man who promised that we
would get married soon, as soon as
he gets more money from all these
new "gigs" he has lined
up...the first time out of the
gate, leaving town, he goes alone
on a business trip...he cheats on
me, with someone who is just (i
know this is a decent forum so
i'm going to keep the language
clean here but there are some
choice words that you can think of
when you read my description ) but
she is a woman with completely no
values, she's basically a
hanger onner...she doesn't
respect herself, or her body, she
again, lives at his friend's
brother's house &
basically, she the kind of woman
that drapes herself & calls
herself a "model" at car
shows & wears little to next to
nothing ...or hands out flyers on
the strip for different events,
like car washes or bbq joints!!!
i couldn't believe it!!!! i
am soooo the exact opposite of this
woman, as i was reading the
emails...first of all i was so
livid b/c they kept going over what
they did to each other the night he
had the one night stand & then
he carried on this conversation
with her, planning to meet her for
a whole month under my nose,
emailing her either late at night
when i was asleep (he must've
slipped out of bed with me &
went to the computer to email her)
or in the wee hours of the
morning...then coming in bed to
me...it's just horrible...i
feel so disgusted that he touched
me...that he touched my baby after
being with this woman who can be
considered basically, a piece of
trash...if i hadn't found
those emails/ if he hadn't
inadvertently left the computer on
then he would have kept on seeing
her, too...which just hurts the
most...
more over, i was for once in my
life trying to build a life around
a man who i thought truly loved me
& especially since we have this
beautiful baby girl...she's
truly beautiful & special...
anyway, i had called him @ his
hotel that weekend of july 26th
told him i knew what was up...then
told him i was leaving with the
baby or either he had to leave our
place...
as of now, this day, i decided
right now to give up the apartment
b/c i couldn't afford it on my
own (again, he would make some
money, so he would at least help
out a little) & now, am in the
process of truly being a single
mom, trying to figure out what my
next step should be...i am
devastated again by this b/c i felt
like it came out of no where...he
in turn wants to blame me, like i
caused him to cheat...b/c he said,
after i had the baby, i was tired
all the time (duh? i just had a
person taken out of my body!) that
i didn't take much time to put
make-up on my face anymore or look
pretty for him (we would mostly
again be @ home taking care of the
baby...after a long day at work, i
wanted to just chill, put my sweats
on & if anything, he would just
want me to take care of our
daughter as soon as i stepped in
the door, after i hadn't taken
my jacket off or bag down or
changed into something more
comfortable, etc.)...it's just
crazy, so selfish...i was trying to
be understanding but i had to make
him understand that working all day
then coming home to take care of
the baby was making me exhausted
& sometimes i just wasn't
in the mood but even when i was in
the mood to be romantic...he b/c he
had no money, would be cheap &
want to stay in all the time (which
is fine with me, i'm not a
fancy girl, just as long as we
spend time together) but he would
still complain that i didn't
look dressed up enough or pretty
enough for him...then i started
just keeping my work clothes on but
it still he had a litany of
complaints about other
things...laundry not being done,
sometimes i missed vaccuuming a
couple of weekends, etc. but i
told him, i needed his help around
the house too...besides taking care
of the baby, it wouldn't hurt
him to wash a dish or two or clean
the bathroom after himself or even
do his own laundry...he just had
unrealistic expectations from
me...he basically wanted me to be
superwoman...
anyway, this can go on & on
& i'm basically, stuck in
a hole right now b/c i still have a
month's rent i owe (he had
used some of that money on that
vegas trip!) & now he says now
he can't of course, afford to
help me with it but can pay me back
later...he also said that he wants
to help raise the baby but again,
since i kicked him out, he's
financially strapped & has to
look for someplace to live himself,
etc.
it's so crazy ... again, he is
not the same man i met two years
ago or even a year ago, he was
sweet to me back then, he took care
of me, by taking me to all my
ob/gyn appts. etc. where is that
man? i mean i'm not a
materialistic person, i would have
been happy taking care of him for
the rest of my life, as long as he
treated me well & respected me.
i don't know who i am
dealing with now at all at the
moment...he's being mean to me
even after he's caught
cheating on me...just terrible,
awful & ugly & all i ask is
that he be civil towards me b/c i
still want to work it out b/c he is
the father of my baby & i
really want her to know her father
as she gets older...
my heart is wrenching...i'm
scared right now & i'm
living temporarily at my my
mom's place but again,
i'm saving up for the next few
months to start fresh & new...
how do i get past this devastating
betrayal & get over this hurdle
of hurt in my heart? i am hurting
so much b/c i did love this man
deeply & i truly thought we
were going to grow old
together...he is a good father to
my baby girl but i can't live
with him, letting my daughter
grow-up or see a man cheating on a
woman this way & think
it's normal - "poppa is a
rolling stone" is not a song i
live by nor is it normal --
it's dysfuntional. anyway,
our last conversation he was angry
b/c he said i shouldn't have
been rash & kicked him out,
that i should have waited for him
to come home & we could have
talked & worked it out but i
told him those emails were pretty
brutal to me...just reading all of
them & how they carried on with
each other (and the suggestive
pictures she sent him) were
enough...the horrible thing is the
moral-less tramp knew i was in the
picture & knew i had a baby
too...well, he's moral-less
too b/c he should have had us in
our heart...
how do i start over again? i have
my family to help me out a little
again & i think financially
will be okay for now & people
keep telling me i'm better off
without him...but emotionally,
i'm really not doing okay...i
rarely let a lot of people into my
private life & esp. with men, i
have always been weary or
conservative about it...i'm a
late bloomer for sure & when i
finally found this man, i really
though i had found a gem...but i
was wrong & right now, i feel
like i'm such a failure...that
i can't trust anyone ...that i
lacked some gene in finding good
characterisics in men or do i think
so low of myself that i would allow
someone like this in my life but
again, as i said in the beginning
he was so wonderful & perfect
to me & then i guess the baby
changed everything & he got
scared of the responsibility of it
all & instead of breaking up
with me face to face & just
tell me...he just does this &
cheats on me with some random
woman...
i don't know ... i feel so
lost & abandoned right now...i
have tried to talk to a counselor
once but they are so expensive,
etc. i'm embarrassed to tell
the knitty gritty details of all
this to friends & family b/c i
always told them that this man was
wonderful & perfect to
me...only my family knows right now
about all this & they only know
the basics ...none of my friends
really know i'm even moving
out or that we've broken
up...
again, i'm not holding up very
well but i'm trying to be
strong for my daughter...
has anyone out there been through
this where they gotten out of this
emotional pit??? again, i know
i'm doing the right thing for
me & my daughter leaving him
since he's done this to me but
i guess, i miss the thought of that
family & the security &
i'll admit it, the fact i had
a man to come home to at least,
call me a fool...and you can call
me crazy too but i still love the
guy too b/c despite this wicked
thing he's done to me last
month...he on the flipside, did so
many wonderful things for me &
the baby & we shared so many
wonderful memories as a family in
the past...
basically, this relationship is one
sided most definitely &
i'm coming to grips that i
just gave too much into this
relationship & that i let him
get away from not doing things...
how do i cope? how can i get past
the pain? he wants to see his
daughter & hang out more, etc.
but since we're not married,
how do i make it more formal/ legal
etc. in regards to custody...
sorry for using this forum for such
a heavy duty situation but i'm
willing to hear any constructive
advice...
thanks for taking the time to read
all this & please pray for me
& my baby...
Be strong Soul Sister. He is a user. He used you. You aren't the first woman this has happened to. You are a better women than I- I would of MURDERED him.
Time will heal all. You must remain strong for you daughter.
Do not take him back, ever. He is USING you as a free meal ticket.
Heck, I sure wish I could "go on tour"....LOL! I laughed at that....grown man, acting like he has some future in music. he doesn't. he is getting too old for that teeny bopper industry and in your heart, you know it.
He is Selfish and a user. LOSE HIM. Don't look back.
And yes, I will pray for you, and your precious daughter. God Bless. |
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