| Time-honored truths and universal
laws
a bus station is where a bus stops.
a train station is where a train
stops. on my desk i have a work
station...
a clear conscience is usually the
sign of a bad memory
a closed mouth gathers no foot.
a conclusion is the place where you
got tired of thinking
a day without sunshine is like,
night.
a fool and his money are soon
partying.
a little inaccuracy saves a lot of
explanation.
a penny saved is worthless.
a person who is nice to you, but
rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person.
age is a very high price to pay for
maturity.
all things being equal, fat people
use more soap.
always remember you are unique,
just like everyone else.
anything worth fighting for is
worth fighting dirty for.
atheism is a non-prophet
organization
bills travel through the mail at
twice the speed of checks
change is inevitable, except from a
vending machine.
depression is merely anger without
enthusiasm
don't sweat the petty things,
and don't pet the sweaty
things.
employment application blanks
always ask who is to be notified in
case of an emergency. i think you
should write . . . a very good
doctor.
everything should be made as simple
as possible, but no simpler.
experience is something you
don't get until just after you
need it
for every action, there is an equal
and opposite criticism
friends may come and go, but
enemies accumulate.
give a man a fish and he will eat
for a day. teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink
beer all day.
given a 50-50 chance, you will be
wrong 90% of the time.
he who laughs last thinks slowest.
hermits have no peer pressure.
how terrible a movie is, is
directly proportional to the number
of helicopters in it.
i believe five out of four people
have trouble with fractions.
i was thinking about how people
seem to read the bible a whole lot
more as they get older then it
dawned on me . . . they were
cramming for their finals.
if you had to identify, in one
word, the reason the human race has
not achieved, and never will
achieve, its full potential, that
word would be:
"meetings."
if you think there is good in
everybody, then you haven't
met everybody.
indecision is the key to
flexibility.
it doesn't matter what
temperature a room is, it's
always room temperature.
never wrestle with a pig. you both
get dirty and the pig likes it.
no matter what happens, somebody
will find a way to take it too
seriously.
no one is listening until you make
a mistake
nobody is normal.
nostalgia isn't what it used
to be.
not one shred of evidence supports
the notion that life is serious.
on the other hand, you have
different fingers.
one nice thing about egotists: they
don't talk about other
people.
one tequila, two tequila, three
tequila, floor.
one-seventh of our life is spent on
monday.
people who feel the need to tell
you that they have an excellent
sense of humour are telling you
that they have no sense of humour.
people who want to share their
religious views with you almost
never want you to share yours with
them.
procrastination is the art of
keeping up with yesterday.
remember that half the people you
know are below average.
someone who thinks logically is a
nice contrast to the real world.
success always occurs in private
and failure in public
suicide is the most sincere form of
self-criticism.
the careful application of terror
can also be a form of
communication.
the colder the x-ray table, the
more of your body is required on
it
the early bird may get the worm,
but the second mouse gets the
cheese.
the hardness of butter is directly
proportional to the softness of the
bread
the main accomplishment of almost
all organized protests is to annoy
people who are not in them.
the more you run over a dead cat,
the flatter it gets.
the most powerful force in the
universe is gossip.
the most valuable function
performed by the federal government
is entertainment.
the older you get, the better you
realize you were.
the only substitute for good
manners is fast reflexes
the severity of the itch is
inversely proportional to the
ability to reach it
the sooner you fall behind the more
time you'll have to catch up
there comes a time when you should
stop expecting other people to make
a big deal about your birthday.
that time is: age 11.
there is a very fine line between
"hobby" and "mental
illness."
there is absolutely no substitute
for a genuine lack of preparation.
there is always one more imbecile
than you counted on.
there's a fine line between
fishing and just standing on the
shore like an idiot..
things are more like they are today
than they ever were before.
to be intoxicated is to feel
sophisticated but not be able to
say it.
to succeed in politics, it is often
necessary to rise above your
principles
what a nice night for an evening.
whenever i think of the past, it
brings back so many memories...
you can observe a lot by just
watching.
you have the right to remain
silent. anything you say will be
misquoted and then used against
you.
you never really learn to swear
until you learn to drive
you should not confuse your career
with your life.
you will never find anybody who can
give you a clear and compelling
reason we observe daylight saving
time.
your friends love you anyway.
the one thing that unites all
humans, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic
background, is that, deep down
inside, we all believe that we are
above average drivers.
at least once per year, some group
of scientists will become very
excited and announce that:
"the universe is even bigger
than they thought!"
"there are even more subatomic
particles than they thought!"
" whatever they announced last
year about global warming is
wrong."
the value of advertising is that it
tells you the exact opposite of
what the advertiser actually
thinks. for example: if the
advertisement says "this is
not your father's
oldsmobile," the advertiser is
desperately concerned that this
oldsmobile, like all other
oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to
old farts like your father. if coke
and pepsi spend billions to
convince you that there are
significant differences between
these two products, both companies
realize that pepsi and coke are
virtually identical. if the
advertisement strongly suggests
that nike shoes enable athletes to
perform amazing feats, nike wants
you to disregard the fact that shoe
brand is unrelated to athletic
ability. if budweiser runs an
elaborate advertising campaign
stressing the critical importance
of a beer's
"born-on" date, budweiser
knows this factor has virtually
nothing to do with how good a beer
tastes. if an advertisement shows a
group of cool, attractive
youngsters getting excited and
high-fiving each other because the
refrigerator contains sunny
delight, the advertiser knows that
any real youngster who reacted in
this way to this beverage would be
considered by his peers to be the
world's biggest dipshit. and
so on. on those rare occasions when
advertising dares to poke fun at
the product - as in the classic
volkswagen beetle campaign,
it's because the advertiser
actually thinks the product is
pretty good. if a politician ever
ran for president under a slogan
such as "harlan frubert:
basically, he wants
attention," i would quit my
job to work for his campaign.
there apparently exists, somewhere
in los angeles, a computer that
generates concepts for television
sitcoms. when tv executives need a
new concept, they turn on this
computer; after sorting through
millions of possible plot premises,
it spits out, "three quirky
but attractive young people living
in an apartment," and the
executives turn this concept into a
show. the next time they need an
idea, the computer spits out,
"six quirky but attractive
young people living in an
apartment." then the next
time, it spits out, "four
quirky but attractive young people
living in an apartment." and
so on. we need to locate this
computer and destroy it with
hammers.
they can hold all the peace talks
they want, but there will never be
peace in the middle east. billions
of years from now, when earth is
hurtling toward the sun and there
is nothing left alive on the planet
except a few micro-organisms, the
micro-organisms living in the
middle east will be bitter
enemies.
when god decides to deliver a
message to humanity, he will not
use, as his messenger, a person on
cable tv with a bad hairstyle.
when trouble arises and things look
bad, there is always one individual
who perceives a solution and is
willing to take command. very
often, that individual is crazy.
you should never say anything to a
woman that even remotely suggests
you think she's pregnant
unless you can see an actual baby
emerging from her at that moment.
hahahaha thanks for starting my day off with a laugh you have been starred!! |
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