| My story is, strange, if not
borderline weird. well, i guess
it’s weird unless if you consider
a dog with a brooklyn accent,
star-crossed lovers living on
planets six million light-years
apart and an orange mutated
chipmunk is normal. oh, and i
almost forgot my third eye.
of course, if you lived when and
where i live, you’d think you’d
gone crazy. half the world is
deserted, ghost towns and nature
reclaiming what was lost to it, is
what has become of the western
hemisphere. people are weird to,
wearing crucifixes and carrying
around water guns they raided from
deserted toy stores. people are
strange and so are their stories.
almost everybody has a story
nowadays. the invasion stretched
to every region of the world and
almost every soul was affected by
it. but my story, mine takes place
after the invasion. in a world
where the biggest cities hold maybe
1,000 people. the world’s
population is about 3 million,
aliens included. don’t let this
get you down, this is the best
thing that has ever happened to
earth. nature is, well, natural
again, everything is so much easier
now that the earth isn’t
overcrowded. before the invasion,
there were 12 billion people here!
it was horrible at the time, so
many people died at the hands of
the omanian’s. a terrible alien
species, who had run out of space
on their home planet and came and
invaded ours. we were out of space
to! so their solution was, kill as
many as possible and then eat them.
they killed seven billion and they
couldn’t even dispose of all of
us, so they sent bodies into space
and it was absolutely positively
horrible. but the rest of the
humans weren’t killed, the rest,
that aren’t here of course, were
sent to other planets, such as
kibblian 7, in exchange for some of
their people to come here. they
helped us kick out the omanian’s
and many of kibblian’s still
remain here.
now you’re probably wondering how
we can even communicate with
intelligent life from planets that
are obviously light-years away,
it’s a simple solution really, a
very smart woman read a wrinkle in
time and decided that is what she
would do, sort of, create a machine
that would fold the very fabric of
space and allow her to travel
billions of light-years in a matter
of hours. these machines are what
we call cars, just because she
thought the term appropriate.
i have a car, and a third eye.
i don’t really have a third eye,
some people just call it that, i
have a necklace that i don’t take
off. it was given to me by my
mother before she died in the
invasion. that eye looks quite
normal compared to my own. usually
i have one that is the brightest
green and the other is normally
shockingly blue. but they like to
change colors . my nose is long
and skinny and my lips are full and
red. i have discovered that after
the invasion i can change the way i
look at will, but i don’t
usually. i keep my hair long and
black, and as much as i would like
to change it, i am still small and
skinny for my age. yes, i could
give myself nice lean muscles, long
legs and super graceful curves, but
it does seem wrong, to pretend to
be something i’m not.
my car is my home, literally. i
sleep in the backseat, it’s quite
efficient really, it costs me
virtually no money, because it runs
on pretty much anything, sunlight,
oxygen, water, gasoline, little
tiny gases floating around in the
air, little children’s tears and
the sorrow’s of mankind. it
floats in water, can go underwater
for long periods of time (since it
runs on water), hovers a foot above
ground, flies and, of course
travels through the very fabric of
space and time. it’s also
impossible to steal, or even see,
unless if i allow you to, which is
pretty nifty, because there are a
lot of thieves running around
stealing babies and whatnot. my
dad worked on it, making sure i
would be safe when flying around
space. he’s dead to, got blown
up in an attempt to destroy the
omanian’s mother ship.
at this moment in time i am lying
on my back seat trying to fall
asleep. unfortunately i can’t…
i just can’t help but think how
completely and utterly alone i am
in this world. zeffo, my alien cat
cuddles against my leg, purring.
he is pretty much a cat, although
he has six legs and can fly. oh
yeah, and he’s purple.
“this isn’t gonna happen is it?
no it will not, sleep will evade
me until the human population
reaches 46 thousand trillion
gagazillionleeabillion and
stuff.” i say, i notice zeffo
has fallen asleep on my leg. i
shake him off, he will be miserable
with me.
“yeah that’s right you walk
away- or just fall asleep, if
that’s easier for you.” my
efforts to chat up my cat have been
futile.
me: hey zeffo, wanna go see a
movie?
zeffo: (licks private parts)
me: i take it that’s a yes.
zeffo: meow.
me: awesome, what movie?
zeffo: (blank stare.)
me: umm…
zeffo: (continues licking private
parts)
me: sorry, no porn.
zeffo: (looks up)
mw: saw 8,600?
zeffo: (most likely passes gas)
mo: the end of western
civilization 2?
zeffo: meow
moo: er, what about a holiday
movie?
zeffo: (hisses, attempts to
scratch out my eyeball’s)
mey: so, no movie’s?
zeffo: (silence)
violet: awesome.
in case you were wondering, i’m
violet. i don’t have some weird
futuristic alien name, i’m just
violet, violet swan dantes.
That's a pretty interesting story! There are some SPAG errors that need some attention: to/too; sentence structure needs attention; basic editing. I think going over it and editing, however, (what we all have to do no matter our level of talent or experience) will fix these problems. There's a book out there called "The Elements of Style" by William Strunk and E.B. White. You might want to you obtain it and use it if you don't already have a copy. It's a pretty useful little book.
http://books.google.com/books?id=IAy6NCD0Iq0C&dq=the+elements-+of+style&pg=PP1&ots=fHXdzmVfZ-&sig=BCkANnSNAlDQ2DWDC9dvGPbM45g&prev=http://www.google.c-om/search%3Fhl%3Den%26q%3Dthe%2Belements%2Bof%2Bstyle&sa=X&am-p;oi=print&ct=title&cad=one-book-with-thumbnail#PPP1,M1
This, I believe, is an older edition before E.B. White added to it, but this gives you and idea. You'll want at least the fourth edition.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/020530902X/bookstorenow57-20
You have a great imagination. Bear in mind that when you ask for critiques not everyone will like your stories; you will get ALOT of negative feedback: people that hate your story, your writing style, your general voice, and some people will be downright mean about it. You'll also get feedback from people that have absolutely no idea what they're talking about, although they might sound like it; they might even purport to be authors. Take it all with a grain of salt and take what's useful to you and apply it. It's hard to not let the really mean comments effect you. On the other side of that coin, you'll get alot of a really GREAT comments from people that shower you with compliments. Look for the critiques that are in between. The ones that point out good and bad; look for the ones that are honest, not just mean, not overly polite. Those critiques will be your most useful. It's hard, conversely, to not let a glowing critique or comment about your story not swell you up with pride, but, face it, your story might be a stinker and your friend or whoever might not want to hurt your feelings. Likewise, unfortunately, there really are some real jerks out there that do know what they are talking about. Someone can be mean, but if they are pointing out real grammatical issues, issues with point of view, pacing, plot, characterization, dialogue, setting, etc, and they are explaining some technical things, you should probably pay attention. You just have to listen with your head, not your pride.
Lastly, posting online like this is inherently dangerous. Someone could come along and copy and paste your story and run with it.
Alex |
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