| This is a true story and i want to
make it as suspenseful as it
can.....its a little too long but
any help would be much
appreciated!!!
my ears are filled with a dreaded
scream. only now i notice that it
came from my mom since we were the
only two people in the car. i was
in the back seat in our silver
mercedes; behind my mom and i was
reading from my book using a
flashlight that i always kept in
the car. i look up with a sudden
instinct that something’s wrong.
i glanced at the back of her head
and i could see her hands are
covering her eyes. just a
millisecond later, i could feel
something bump into our car with
full and extreme energy and my mom
pressed on the brakes so we could
stop, but that only made it worse.
the car was spinning and we were
spinning with it. i could see and
smell a strong aroma of smoke and
lights twirling around me. i was
screaming on the top of my lungs
just like my mom did before. i saw
a big light post and we crashed
right into it. just then, all of
the airbags inflated as the car
stopped so suddenly. right then i
sat there so confused and not
knowing what happened. it all
happened so fast. one second i was
getting into the most adventure
filled part in my book, and the
next second i turned out to be in
one. but there was no time to think
about that now. the smoke was so
strong inside the car that we had
to get out fast. i pulled the cold
door handle, but it wouldn’t
budge. i tried again and again, but
there was no use; i had to try the
other doors and quick. my mom was
also trying to open her driver’s
door but it also wouldn’t budge.
we tried to open all four doors,
but there was no hope. i started
praying then tried the door.
miraciously, it opened. i yelled,
“mom! quick! come back here i got
the door open!” i had to help
pull her to the back so we could
get out. my mom paced 15 feet past
where the car was, and collapsed,
but she was still conscious. i ran
to the other car, but i could not
beilive the terror i was seeing in
front of my two eyes. there in
front of me, were four bloody
mexican men. i could smell their
fresh blood that completely covered
their white, short sleeved shirts
and a strong fume of alcohol. all
four of them were unconscious.
right then, i knew that i had to do
something. it was a small street
and it was really dark and cold
outside. my mom was lying on the
floor trying to breath, and there
was four bloody mexican guys that
were completely unconscious. our
car was beeping like crazy and
won’t stop, and i was confused.
to top that off, when i tried to
bend down my arm, i felt a sharp
pain in my elbow. i had to do
something quick. i went straight to
our car,and i heard my mom faintly
saying,”come back! the car can
explode in any second!” although
i knew that i should have listened
to her, i went in, in hope to find
what i was looking for. i turned
off the car’s engine and took out
the key, and went in search of
mom’s phone. i looked everywhere.
from her purse, to under the seat,
to the back seat. when i got out,
it was the first time i noticed how
big the crash was. our car was
completely compressed in a little
square, which explained why the
doors wouldn’t open, but there
was not one spot where it was not
dented. the trunk was opened and
all of the vegetables that we got
were all over the street. i tried
to get my belongings so none of the
cars would step on it, but a car
came and i had to tried to stop
it, but it continued on. i waited
until four more cars came but they
obviously didn’t have a heart to
help. finally the fifth car came
and stopped dead in its tracks. a
business man came out, wearing a
fancy suit and all and pulled out
his phone in his hand saying
,“what happened? are you
okay!?” he said. “do you need
help?”
i said, “yes, please, i need you
to call 911 quick!” he dialed and
the operator answered. he told the
woman that there was car accident
and informed her with the details.
he assured me that everything will
be okay. i looked mom. i was so
afraid that anything happened to
her, knowing that she does not have
a strong heart. “can i use your
phone?” i said. i had to call
dad. he was only minutes away
because we just came from the store
we own, where he is working now. i
dialed his phone number and pressed
the ‘call’ button. “hello?”
he answered. “dad, please calm
down when i say this, but we got
into a car accident at the one way
street,” i calmly stated ,”i
need you to come here, the
ambulance is going to come.” i
could hear him gasp. “please be
careful when you are coming, dad,
don’t worry we’re okay.” i
gave the man back his phone and
thanked him. i sat next to mom on
the damp grass, struggling to bend
my arm. it was not painful, but
when i tried to move my elbow, it
felt as if it was locked in place.
ten long, terrifying minutes later,
the ambulance and police officers
came. when they saw how big the
accident was, they called for
back-up. just two minutes after
they came, my dad arrived and ran
straight to where my mom and i
were. i could see the panic and
pain in his face. i hugged him, and
right then, i felt secure, i felt
that i am safe, and everything
would be okay.
a couple police officers came to
ask me what happened, since i was
the only one that was able to talk
about it. of course, i said that i
didn’t know. they most likely
thought that i am just saying that
because i don’t want to admit
that we were the ones that bumped
in the other car, which was not the
case because i knew that it was a
green light at our side and it was
our way, but i didn’t actually
see the incident. so they asked
again. i said that i wasn’t
looking so they just went to handle
other things. i heard a man yelling
to bring in the helicopter. i asked
the man, ”what happened to the
four men?” he said, ”it’s a
severe and critical case, they lost
so much blood that we need to take
them to the hospital very quickly,
it’s okay ma’am, it’s going
to be okay” i was worried, mostly
because there was not one drop of
blood on either me or my mom, but
these guys lost so much blood that
they are going to die just because
they were intoxicated while
driving.
a paramedic lady came to me and my
dad to ask us our info. she asked
me if my neck, back, or head hurt,
and i told her no but my arm is not
moving. she then put me on a
stretcher and put a very tight
brace around my neck. before i
knew it, me and my mom were tied up
in stretchers and being pulled into
two separate ambulances. i felt
like i was going to fall on the
ground as they pushed me up so i
panicked. they assured and told me
not to worry, but i didn’t know
where my parents were, and where i
was going without them.
finally, the doctor came with the
x-rays and told me that my bone was
cracked and broken so i had to put
it in a cast. a nurse walked up
behind him and waited. he said that
the woman would help me put me the
cast. she brought materials, then
stood in front of me comforting me.
i didn’t know that there were
nice people like her. she was just
so kind.
she brought cotton, wrapped it
around my arm, then took a
different type of cloth and dipped
it in an unknown liquid. “now
this is going to be very hot, but
that’s what is going to make it
stick together. it will cool down
before i am done.” she smiled
brightly. layer after layer my arm
was complete. i looked over at my
mom which was in the bed next to us
and she was sleeping. the nurse saw
me looking at her and asked me if i
wanted to give her a letter to show
her for when she wakes up.
although i right with my right hand
which was in a cast, i managed to
write this:
i love you mom. you are the best.
thank you for everything.
the nurse smiled when i gave it to
her for safe keeping. i asked her
where my dad was, and she told me
in the lobby. she showed me the way
and i memorized it so i can come
back and forth. when i entered the
room, there were only my family’s
friends talking. they all got quiet
when they saw me and were staring
at me. i blushed, not liking
attention. i greeted everyone and
they were asking me how i felt.
in truth, it hurt so much to walk
like every part of my body was
broken, not just my arm, after
being in the compressed car.
instead i said that i am okay now.
we talked, and laughed, but then i
remembered my mom and i had to go
see her. she was on the iv since
her heart was beating irregularly.
i saw her and help her hand saying
that it's over. she looked at
me with pain, and sadness, but i
joked with her and she laughed. i
knew then that this was a time
that’s not going to be forgotten
but a time we will look at with
fright. i, personally, had
nightmares every night since then
for 2 months. i will not forget how
this situation gave me an insight
of how i should know what to do
when something dangerous occurs and
to be prepared that anything can
happen at anytime especially the
time when you least expect it such
as while reading a book.
this is supposed to be my personal
narrative. is this good or not?
please tell me your input.
that's it?!?!
it's really good?!?
well thanks, that was worth it to
write the whole thing!
It is ok as is, you just have to keep telling the story, from the hospital , where did you go from there, and the parents, then what happened later with the other car,
maybe add where you were prior to getting in car and driving, and how things turned out in the end, and did you get new car, or was your mom ok, how long did the cast stay on,
there are a few letters or words missing, read over slowly and place words into sentences,
"I looked Mom." <> I looked "at" Mom.
.. |
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